Breakdown
Everything was going amazingly well. I was happy. I wasn’t sure why, but I was.
Then out of nowhere, shit came back and I started thinking things about myself that I thought I had gotten over. Or at least stopped focusing on. I was already on edge from the stress but I honestly was not expecting that I would snap like that. It’s so stupid - so trivial. My size should not be triggering any sort of breakdown like that. I’d been accepting it more lately and I thought I was finally getting over this shit. I guess not. Add my insecurity to some interesting conversations about it with the boy and some intense stress from trying to catch up and bam. This happens.
Even worse, I thought I was over him and it wouldn’t be a problem anymore. But then I see him with other girls and even though I definitely don’t have any right to hate it, I do. What’s even worse is I want to talk to him about all of this but I don’t know what he’s thinking. That freaks me out. By this point, my main concerns are that I’m pissed about what I look like and hurt and confused about him.
Then out of nowhere, I snap. I freak the fuck out and tell everyone to leave me alone. Thank god for the one who stayed - I honestly love her. I wanted to kill her at the time but she is honestly the only person who could have saved me. I shouldn’t have flipped at the boy as much as I did. I feel bad about it now, but at the time he wasn’t the one I wanted to talk to or see or have anything to do with. And every time I see him, it’s a reminder of the fact that I can’t have what I want.
So here we are. I fucked up. Again.
